Where is the Love??

There's no avoiding it any longer. This feeling has been growing in my mind for the last decade and it is time I elucidated on it, otherwise I will constrain myself too much.



I don't like any of my friends. I've just flicked through my address book, a thin volume it has to be said, and was filled with irritation, distaste and an overwhelming sense of boredom.

{There I said it.... it just had to be said, }


None of my classmates from School feature in it. The friends in college I keep in touch with have dwindled. Most are from out of town, maybe distance is what does it for me, I’m a very private person as it is and I don't like it when people think they know me too much.



One of the great boons of living in a citylike Delhi is that you don't really need friends to exist and keep yourself entertrained. There are 97 million people within walking distance, a thousand new people every day for the rest of my life and no need to repeat anyone.

No, I like Acquaintances: a wide circle of faintly familiar people who smile and wave but whose names escape me.

An acquaintance has all the expectation, desire to please and vivacity of a first date.

They flash wit and compliments and don't expect you to call or go to their children's weddings.

Friends are only necessary in the rural country or when you go where your being an island is of no use, Where you have to have them, otherwise you stand in serious jeopardy of ending up in one of those institutions which instead of calling themselves Mental Asylums, prefer to be known as Institutions of Meditations & Mind Relaxation (just fancy names for Re - hab centres).

This is not to say that I have foresaken everybody.

There are a select few whom I count as true friends and all of them know this about me by now, that they still remain friends with me is something which is strange. They too are like me in many ways. They share the same passions and appreciate some similar things in life. Maybe we have got used to each others eccentricities long before to give a damn.



I have given up on my other so called wannabe friends, the more you know of another person the more distaste, gorge rises in your throat, common decency prevents me from telling them what i really feel about them. But I have recently done this and I feel lighter in my heart of having cut off those 2 from my former so called “friends”.

Trusting another person after having been betrayed is a very difficult thing for me to do. I can forgive easily but forgetting is the main problem for me.

Why do I cling onto the past so much. Is it because I think I have no future?

No there are things I look forward to but those things are not everybody’s cup of tea.





I try and reconcile to the fact that at least I was morally correct. But that doesn’t help either. Morality doesn't give you squat in todays rat race. yes morality is not a commodity whose stocks are soaring at the moment, while those of deceit & deception are soaring high, every one wants a piece of the action.





In order not to encourage other people to really get to know me, I form a wall around me, this is my private domain, if anyone comes close to intrusion, I behave and act in such a hostile manner that usually I succeed in keeping the walls around me solid, no one and nothing is allowed in here. This makes me think that I am a callous human being, maybe yes, maybe I just can’t fake it no more. .. Just cannot be bothered.


No one you meet for the first time sees the real you, what they perceive is really your representative, who puts the best foot forward and keeps up appearances. But I am not like that anymore. I have developed this aura by which I repel any curiosity which is aroused in another person about me.



I have seen some people shudder when I act like that. It doesn’t make me feel good or pleases me to be so obnoxious but lately I don’t even have to concentrate to bring this ugly face of myself to display to the world.

Over time I have realized that I like mostly unfamiliar faces around me, where no one knows about my past, my present and very few will know about my future.

While everyone thinks they know all about me, I let them delude themselves of this folly, if they think they know me, they will not pry into my affairs that much.

From sport to sport they hurry me to stifle my regrets.
And when they win a smile from me they think that I forget..
(But I never do forget..)


It is not a comfortable thought that I shun life away.

I rationalize with myself that I reach out to people in other oblique ways, help some without showing my face. Do deeds which soothe me and try to piece together my shattered heart. Like a big bad Jig Saw puzzle, I am patiently trying to get it right, but fragments of my heart have been lost and don’t want to be found again.


I will not pretend anymore. I am sick of pretending, this farce has run its course, and it must end before I go to the valley below.

I have known people from a distance whom I like without having ever met them, and I feel that somehow that distance is best to keep a long friendship going and not meeting everyday, frankly no one can keep up with the kind of shit my mind conjures up, and they either act bemused or look incredulously at me saying "You all right Mate!!"



I mean WTF!! I prefer seclusion to companionship,

I have changed and so has the world around me, that I don’t feel like a part of the world anymore, it is just my shortcoming and I try to live with myself for not learning the ways of the world. (maybe I missed the classes).



I used to be very different, I used to make an effort to befriend everyone in college, reach out and embrace strangers but now I shun even the people I know really care and worry about me.

I feel nothing, I am numb. I am very cold blooded. I am stone cold.

Where did my humanity go. down the shitter is my guess. How I became like this is a mystery to me, maybe what I need is a self forensic exam to trace my humanities disappearance.





It has dawned on me slowly, there were clues galore but maybe I just wasn’t looking in the right place or maybe I chose to ignore it.



Self-deception is very easy to achieve. Don’t you think so?

I deceived myself while I went on deceiving my audience.

Maybe I will meet humanity again or maybe I will just wither away in the time honoured tradition of solitude and be a recluse for the rest of my time before my dying.



Maybe like the late great Jerry Garcia of The Greatful Dead once said :

“I'm shopping around for something to do that no one will like...